Expectations are part of the way you see yourself and organize your life.

They act like an internal map of what “should” happen with your life, your performance, and your relationships. When expectations are realistic and well-calibrated, they can become a powerful source of motivation and meaning. But when they are rigid or unrealistic, they turn into a trap that wears you down, frustrates you, and damages your self-esteem.

Healthy expectations work like a gentle challenge. 

They invite you to step out of your comfort zone, to make an effort, to commit to your goals. They give you direction:

·        Where do I want to go?

·        What do I want to achieve?

·        What steps can I take right now?

When your expectations match your capacities and your current stage of life, each achievement strengthens your self-esteem. You start seeing yourself as capable, competent, and growing. These expectations become an act of self-love because they push you forward without hurting you.

But what happens when expectations become a trap?The problem appears when expectations are so high that they no longer fit your current reality. It doesn’t mean you will “never” get there — it simply means that right now your resources, skills, or circumstances are not enough yet to sustain that goal.

When this happens, a predictable chain begins:

·        You feel like “it’s never enough.”

·        Stress and self-pressure increase.

·        Motivation and self-esteem decline.

·        Anxiety, guilt, and a sense of failure begin to appear.

If you constantly judge yourself for not reaching an impossible standard, you eventually start believing you are the problem, instead of seeing that the problem lies in how your expectations are formulated.

So, where do these high expectations come from?

1.        Social and family pressureWe live in a culture that glorifies success, productivity, and perfection. Social media shows “perfect” lives, flawless careers, ideal bodies, happy relationships. Everything seems easy, fast, and error-free.

On top of that, family expectations often add pressure:

·         “You have to go further.”

·         “With everything we’ve done for you, you must take advantage of it.”

·         “In this family, we always… (succeed, excel, etc.).”

·         

Without noticing, you begin to feel like you must meet a standard that no one can maintain all the time.

2.        Constant comparison with othersComparing yourself with others is one of the fastest ways to create unrealistic expectations. You see what others accomplish and think:“If they can do it, I should too.”

The problem is that you don’t see the full context — their background, their resources, their privileges, their timing. You only see the result. From there, you create a “should” that ignores your own strengths, limits, and circumstances.

3.        Irrational beliefs about your self-worthCertain internal beliefs feed impossible expectations, such as:

·         “If I don’t do it perfectly, it doesn’t count.”

·         “My value depends on my performance.”

·         “I’m not allowed to fail.”

When your worth as a person becomes tangled with your achievements, every setback feels like proof that “you’re not good enough.” So you raise your expectations even more, trying to prove your value, entering a never-ending loop.

4.        Misinterpreting past successesHaving succeeded before can backfire if you turn it into a rigid rule:“If I did it once, I must always perform at that level or higher.”

This ignores something essential: life is full of ups and downs. You are not a machine. There are bright phases and slower phases of learning, integration, and rebuilding.

How can you start adjusting your expectations?

1.        Recognize that some expectations are unrealisticThis is the hardest step: admitting that something you’ve demanded of yourself for years may not be realistic today. Ask yourself:

·        Does this goal consider my real context?

·        Am I asking for gradual change or an impossible leap?

·        Does this expectation motivate me, or does it crush me?

If what you feel most of the time is pressure, anxiety, or shame, it’s a sign that your expectations need revision.

2.         Bring your goals back to the presentInstead of focusing only on the big goal (“I want to run a marathon,” “I want to become a director,” “I want to start my own business”), ask:

·        What would be the next realistic step for me today?

For example, if you dream of running a marathon, you might start with a 5K race, and to reach that, begin training with 2 km runs. Thi

s doesn’t mean giving up your dream — it means building a realistic bridge toward it.

3.        Examine the beliefs behind your expectationsPay attention to internal sentences like:

·         “I must…”

·         “I should…”

·         “I can’t fail at this.”

Then ask yourself:

·        Who taught me to think this way?

·        Does this rule help me or hurt me?

·        What would happen if I allowed myself to go slower, but with less guilt?

4.        Practice a more humane level of self-demandThis isn’t about giving up — it’s about changing your inner tone.Instead of:“You must achieve this now, or you’re a failure,”

try something closer to:“I want to grow in this. I’m going to take it step by step and learn along the way.”

The difference may seem small, but emotionally it is huge.

Your expectations do not define your worth

In the end, it’s important to remember something simple: expectations are ideas, not verdicts. They are not your worth, not your identity, not your destiny.

What does reflect who you are is your ability to:

·        Do your best with the resources you actually have.

·        Adjust your path when something isn’t working.

·        Learn from your mistakes rather than using them to attack yourself.

·        Celebrate the small steps, not just the big milestones.

Changing unrealistic expectations is not an act of weakness — it is an act of self-respect. It is choosing to grow in a way that your mind, your body, and your life can truly sustain.